MHNRN | Apple Podcasts | Spreaker | Episode #25
In this episode of The Dr. Mary Podcast, my husband, Dr. Jeff, and I share one of our most vulnerable conversations, discussing the intersection of autism, addiction, and marriage. We open up about our experiences in hopes that our journey will resonate with and support those facing similar challenges. This conversation isn’t just about medical labels or personal struggles; it’s about two people learning to connect and find understanding through incredibly difficult times.
Our journey began with Jeff’s autism diagnosis.
For over 45 years, Jeff didn’t recognize the possibility of being on the spectrum, and neither did I. Even as a pediatrician specializing in autism, I hadn’t realized that my husband might be autistic.
For years, we had struggled with communication issues and challenges that, at the time, we couldn’t fully understand. Many arguments felt circular, with Jeff often shutting down and leaving me feeling isolated and hurt. It was in a moment of intense frustration and prayer that I began to question if autism might be a factor.
Jeff was initially reluctant to accept this possibility, and it took time, learning, and support for him to embrace his autism. I discovered that the traits of autism can sometimes mask themselves, especially in high-achieving adults, leading them to perform well in specific areas while feeling out of place or anxious in others. As we began to address autism in our marriage, I thought that we were finally on a path toward healing. I believed that if we could learn each other’s “languages,” we could overcome our challenges.
However, our journey took an unexpected turn when I uncovered another layer to our struggles—addiction.
This was a deeply personal and painful discovery, one I never imagined we would face. Addiction affected our relationship profoundly, creating further disconnection and leaving me feeling betrayed. For many years, Jeff had been using addiction as a coping mechanism for the anxiety and stress that came with his undiagnosed autism. This cycle of shame and escape kept him trapped in isolation, pulling him away from our relationship. Although this form of addiction often goes unseen, it is a form of betrayal that impacts every aspect of a marriage.
When I discovered this, it felt like my world was crashing down. The trust I had placed in our relationship felt shattered, and I found myself in a place of deep sadness and confusion. During those days, I struggled just to get out of bed, lost in the weight of betrayal. I was torn between the commitment to my marriage and the reality of how far apart we had become.
In this episode, I speak openly about what it was like to face the pain of betrayal trauma.
It’s something that, for many, might seem less significant because of the way our society normalizes certain types of addiction. But for those who experience it firsthand, it is as devastating as any other form of infidelity. Betrayal trauma cuts deep, impacting self-worth, trust, and the stability of a relationship. I want listeners to know that these feelings are real, and healing takes time.
We talk about the decision to seek help and the steps we took to rebuild our marriage relationship.
Therapy played a critical role for us, giving us the tools to not only address the behaviors stemming from addiction but also to communicate in new ways that acknowledged Jeff’s autism. Understanding the link between Jeff’s autism and his addiction helped us view our challenges through a lens of compassion and support. It allowed us to see that while we had significant work to do, we could face it together.
For those listening who may relate to parts of our story, our message is one of hope and resilience.
Marriage, autism, and addiction each bring their unique set of challenges, and when combined, they can feel insurmountable. But through transparency, vulnerability, and commitment to growth, healing is possible. I encourage couples going through similar struggles to seek help and stay open to one another.
This episode is a deeply personal one, and we’re honored to share our story with you.
Our hope is that by sharing openly, we can shed light on the experiences of others facing similar journeys. Marriage, autism, and addiction don’t have to be the end of connection—they can be an opportunity for growth, understanding, and, ultimately, deeper love.
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- Mental Health News Radio Network
HEY SIS!
As a devoted pediatrician, specializing in neurodevelopmental disorders, my focus is on guiding and supporting families who have received an autism or ADHD diagnosis.
I am a PCCI trained life and leadership coach.
– Dr Mary
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